LETTERS TO VOO DOO

Hey VooDoo staffers,

I'm Hoyt and I'll be the interim Editor of our glorious rag for at least the next two issues. I'll also be playing one on TV. In my spare time I build cathedrals and bring water to the desert. I am a four time winner of the Joseph L. Parker Award for Claiming to Do Things That You Never Actually Did. I have never consensually appeared on Hee-Haw. I do my best work when I'm sleep-deprived. Strike that. Reverse it. Anyhow, I look forward to seeing some substantial fraction of ``y'all'' over the next month as we put together the last VooDoo of the term.

Introductorily,

Hoyt

Dear Hoyt:

I have just received your missives. Is your name really Hoyt or are you from Brooklyn and merely in pain?

Jay Keyser

Dear Jay,

Thank you for your recent epistle. I am, in fact, known as Hoyt because that is what my parents had put on my birth certificate. I have never been told of any Brooklyn accents that may have been present in the hospital in Louisville that chilly February morning when I was born. Furthermore, since my father's name in the same plus-or-minus a suffix, I would conclude that my name is not some accident of language, but a deliberate attempt on the part of my father to have his name live beyond his years. Why he didn't build a bridge, or create masterpiece of art instead is not clear.

I would similarly conclude that your name is actually Keyser and that you are not some long-dead turn-of-the-century German leader with relatives in palaces all over Europe and, apparently, with bad spelling skills.

Amicably,

Hoyt

Dear Hoyt:

I will, of course, believe everything you said about your name. But for godssake don't try to sell me a bridge.

As for my name, it is actually the name of the people who sponsored my father's family coming to America from Russia in 1903. The Keyser spelling is Dutch and the sponsors are, to me, completely unknown, as is the original family name. I do not know what the name of my family was in Russia and I have never tried to find out. I have never been a roots sort of a person.

I do know about Keyser, however. It is the same as latin Caesar and means, of course, "prince". it is cognate with Sanskirt Kuruvila, which, in English, is idential to Cyril. If my parents had had any flair, they might have called me Cyril Keyser, that is, they liked me so much they named me twice.

Best,

Jay

Moral of the story: name you kids Moon Unit and you'll save them a lot of hassle.

Dearest Phosphorous,

The rumours of my demise were greatly exaggerated too. I'm still going droll in the 1990's. Try this one on for size:

``There is only one thing worse than having your retinas spot-welded with a laser, and that is NOT having your retinas spot-welded with a laser.''

There will be more pith from me later.

Oscar Wilde

Dear Phosphorous,

I am writing to object strongly to James Fleming's article in the previous issue. Specifically, I protest vehemently his so-called advice ``don't date sisters.'' This reflects Mr. Fleming's obvious prejudice against West Virginians and others of Appalachian origin. Appalachia has a rich and noble history and we do not appreciate being singled out on account of something as personal as our mating practices. We do not deserve this ridicule and harassment by your publication just because our family trees do not branch out in ways that Mr. Fleming would approve.

Indignantly,

Bill E. Bob
Appalachian Students Association

Dear Mr. Bob,

You misunderstand me! It is not my place to judge or harass, merely to advise. I am well aware of Appalachia's rich cultural heritage and find their zeal in stabilizing the region's gene pool noble, to say the least. You might however want to consider that by dating your sister you invite the jealousy and competition of your brothers and even your father, traditionally given first dibs. This could lead to considerable family tension injurious to a young relationship. I advise extreme caution.

Sincerely,

James Fleming
VooDoo Columnist

Dearly Phosphorescent,

There is only one thing worse than finding a rat turd in your hot dog, and that is not finding the rat turd in your hot dog.

Oscar Meyer Wilde

Dear Editor,

Ouch!

Ouch!!

OOOOOOOOuch!!!! (mmmphhh...)

...huh? wha...? No! NO! NOOOOOOO! OOOoooucchh!

OOOOOOOuccch!

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUWWWWCCHHHHHHHHHH!

sincerely,

Michael Fay
Singapore

Dear Editor,

Sure glad I'm not in Singapore!

sincerely,

David LaMacchia
Cambridge, MA

Most Dear Phos,

There is only one thing worse than having a guy named Liam make you famous, and that is not having a guy named Liam make you famous.

Oscar Schindler Wilde