Random Memoranda

of John Dzenitis

In his training to become a captain of industry, or whatever, Mr. Dzenitis carefully developed a fundamental truth for leaders of people: issue a buttload of memoranda. "Memos enable you to shape reality to meet your needs. By issuing a memo, you can assert yourself as an expert, even if you're not. Memos can be predated to give yourself prophetic vision, or postdated to place yourself in locations where you will not be. Your rivals can be slowed to complete ineffectiveness with the issue of one simple, incomprehensible memo. I have it on good authority that President Bush sealed the Gulf War triumph by issuing thousands of memos to each member of Hussein's erudite Republican Guard."

For the first time in public media, we give you actual private memo correspondence from the desk of the powerful, feared, and respected John M. Dzenitis.

Memo to: Information Services

I want information about those lunatics I keep seeing on the MIT playing fields Wednesday nights. They wear colored hosiery and helmets with feathers, and they take turns whacking each other on the head with broomsticks. Is that the lacrosse team?

Memo to: Myself

Further research indicates that the lunatics with broomsticks are the Society for Creative Anachronism. Get Max E. to run into their midst, screaming "You shall be avenged, Hillary!", and whacking them with a hockey stick. They should appreciate the elevated level of anachronicity.

Memo to: Campus Police

Can you persuade the Assassins' Guild to band together with the Society for Creative Anachronism and patrol the campus, thus keeping us safer and more secure? Or do you think they'll just try to hide from each other, or they'll clump together and whack each other on the head?

Memo to: Business Diners

It is important to know what to order when at a posh restaurant. Some foods can actually imply an insult to your client, others reveal a lack of sophistication on your part. Choose pasta over meat because it's easier to vomit; choose rice over pasta because it's easier to cough out of your nose.

Memo to: Dave L.

What is the nature of humor, and what is funny? The misanthropic view is that we laugh at the expense of other people, wallowing in their suffering, stupidity, clumsiness, et cetera. On the other hand, a more gracious viewpoint states that we laugh at the unexpected. Submitted for your consideration: The French think that Jerry Lewis is a comic genius; they laugh at his clumsy antics until they spew croissants through their noses. Americans laugh at the French because it is unexpected that someone likes Jerry Lewis. We also think it's stupid. Jerry Lewis has telethons of guilt and suffering. When he gets home, he combs the grease out of his hair and laughs at us. Well?

Memo to: the Producers of "Jurassic Park"

You should have spent more money on the animatronics for the woman's character.

Memo to: Myself

Rent "Needful Things" when it comes out on video. John Glenn is the good guy (again) and Brewmeister Schmidt is the bad guy (again). Based on the preview, it's a bunch of scenes from "Miracle on 34th Street" and "Hellraiser", held together by a series of explosions.

Memo to: Myself

Don't rent "Another Stakeout" when it comes out on video next week. It looks like an ugly actor/actress contest. At least many houses explode, or a few explode from many perspectives.

Memo to: the Producers of "Free Willy"

I admit that the concept of a 10,000 pound, hairless beagle is appealing, but the previews make this look like a two-hour episode of Flipper, without the babes. Willy should explode or something.

Memo to: Trekkies

What is it with Captain Kirk's hair on "T.J. Hooker"? Are they ever going to telefax him back onto the Enterprise?

Memo to: T.J. Hooker Boosters

What is it with Captain Kirk's hair on "Rescue 911"? Where's the plot? This show is never going to make it without Dr. McCoy.

Memo to: MIT Students

It doesn't matter if your stereo is loud, your Tevas are sporty, your hair is odd colors, your Frisbee is the ultimate, your car is bitchin', your causes are just, your cigarettes are antisocial, your Polo is pressed, your hat is bohemian, your team kicks ass, or you got laid last night. You are a geek. Relax.

Memo to: Creative Department

See what you guys can do with this: "Gastronaut".

Memo to: MTV

Thank you for unplugging all of those bands. Not only are the bands quieter this way, it's also easier to see how hard they suck.

Memo to: Myself

Check the calendar for a full moon. The hair on my hands looks really long today.

Memo to: Kent L.

Have you considered "VD" forehead tattoos as a way to promote VooDoo staff camaraderie?

Memo to: Tipper G.

I, too, am tired of random, senseless sex and violence that the entertainment industry promotes today. If you eradicate it, however, who will provide the well-planned, meaningful sex and violence to fill the gap?

Memo to: Ted T.

I spoke with both organizations regarding your "Barney versus The Chipmunks Wrestle-Mania" idea. Barney is game if you'll up his percentage by three points and give him three live infants per show. Alvin, however, expressed serious concerns about being crushed by "that big, fat, gurgling bastard" if he blows the choreography. He may be right. I know you're reluctant to bring in H.R. Puffin Stuff after the no-show in New York, but I still think it would make a better fight.

Memo to: The Tech

Your R/O Week issues were gripping. Let's hope you can keep up that level of intensity during, say, IAP and Spring Break.

Memo to: Secret Admirer

Thank you for the Chia Pet. You are most thoughtful, I think.

Memo to: Swinging Bachelors

In terms of attracting women, the chia pet ranks somewhere between a Bud can collection and a lava lamp. I know you may find this hard to believe. The reason is that you can never get it to look as good as it does in the advertisements. I mean, those people grow and train chia pets for a living.

Memo to: Lisa M.

On second thought, fire everyone who laughed at the joke at the end of the meeting. It wasn't that funny. Keep the guy who thought I said, "Nantucket".

Memo to: SPCA

Some say that dogs think they're human, and others opine that dogs think humans are dogs. My dog thinks that my leg is a dog.

Memo to: Kent L.

I think we'd all feel a lot funnier if you changed the name of the magazine from "VooDoo" to "The Harvard Tampoon".

Memo to: Kent L.

OK, don't change the name of the magazine if you've already got coffee mugs and everything. You could, however, change the subtitle from "MIT Journal of Humour" to "MIT Journal of Lascivious Conduct", greatly increasing our campus standing and circulation.