VooDoo's Greeting Cards

The Coop sells specialized greeting cards from Hallmark that include such topics as ``You're too hard on yourself,'' ``Thanks for helping out at home,'' and ``I like to hear your stories about our family.'' As usual, the Coop is failing to meet the needs of the typical MIT student. More appropriate categories would include sentiments such as ``Sorry about your wrists''. Here are some ideas for cards they should sell:

You are a special lab partner.

To a special lab partner ---
You kept me company in the lab
    after your half was finished 
    but I was still working.
You brought me hot food
    when I was too busy to get any.
You pretended not to notice
    when I didn't shower that last week.
The prof was inspiring and the TA heroic
    but you are the one who made it possible.

The way you look embarrasses me.

You are a special person ---
    smart and kind and fun to be around,
but I am embarrassed to be seen with you
    because of the way you look.
Most people do not wear the same outfit
    every day for a week.
I would also be happy to pay for you to 
    have your hair cut professionally.
And I could teach you to hem your pants
    instead of using electrical tape.
You are a wonderful person.
Stop doing yourself and your friends a disservice
    by looking like a goofball.

You should spend some time with me (to boyfriend/girlfriend/advisor)

I understand that you love your work,
    but I thought you and I had a commitment.
I don't doubt the legitimacy 
    of any of your excuses.
I know you work hard,
    but please don't forget about me.
If you didn't value me,
    you wouldn't have chosen me.
I think you still care about me
    and just need reminding.
If you don't spend some time with me,
    I will have to find someone else.

I'd like to ask you out but am not sure it would be appropriate.

I hate to risk offending someone I care about
    by making advances that may be inappropriate.
I can understand how it could be awkward
    to be asked out by your office-mate,
    but you are so special that I cannot keep silent.
You and I have agreed about who gets which desk,
    what music should be played, 
    and how to divide up projects.
I think this proves we are compatible.
We don't have to worry that we'd bore each other by discussing
    quantum transistors/parallelizing compilers/knot theory.
We could go to the LSC movies together 
    when we work weekends.
If you would be willing to give it a try,
    you can let me know by e-mail.

I have enjoyed our electronic correspondence

Whenever my terminal notifies me that I have mail,
I eagerly check whether it is from you.
If it is, my heart races as I read and reread it.
It annoys me officemates that 
   I laugh aloud at your witticisms
   and audibly groan at your criticisms,
But I care about you more than them.
I fondly remember the times we used ``talk''.
I confess that I saved away phrases of yours
   that I was unwilling to let go.
I think we should meet each other in person some time.

You don't belong at MIT (to most students)

I don't know anything about your intelligence,
    your grades, or your experience,
but that won't stop me from telling you
    that you don't belong at MIT.
You were only admitted because you are
    a legacy/woman/underrepresented minority/Iowan.
I realize that by saying this without knowing
    anything about your abilities,
I imply that no member of your group is qualified,
    but I say it anyway.