From: croth@omnifest.uwm.edu (Chris Roth) Newsgroups: alt.censorship Subject: Howard Stern Transcripts Part 3 Date: 10 Jan 1996 11:37:33 -0600 Organization: Omnifest Lines: 874 Message-ID: <4d0tgt$2vt@omnifest.uwm.edu> FORWARDED FROM: /professional/law/first/supreme/broad(#107) From:croth(Chris Roth) FORWARDED FROM: /professional/law/first/excerpts(#119) From:croth(Chris Roth) FORWARDED FROM: /professional/law/first/excerpts(#109) From:croth(Chris Roth) FORWARDED FROM: /mail/cr/croth(#4021) From:croth(Chris Roth) FORWARDED FROM: /news/alt/censorship/articles(#31450) From:cair@world.std.com(Da vid M Goldstein) NOVEMBER 10, 1992 [Discussing Kathy Lee Gifford] HS: From your heart. She didn't reach into, she always, you know, you notice everything about her now, she's reaching into toilets. RQ: Yes. Or somebody's reaching in for her. HS: First, listen to this woman, first she loses her jewelry in the toilet, which I don't know how that happened, then she, she pees in the toilet and she has an assistant reach in and grab the watch out of the toilet. RQ: Right. Right, she doesn't go get it herself. HS: Yeah. Some guy reached into her pee to get a (water sound effect) toilet. You know, to get a, to get her watch. Then, now the next story is that she'd have you believe, she's having a miscarriage, so she reaches in the toilet like that's a baby in there. HS: Yeah, you know, I, you know, when I make a bowel movement it is so perfect, I just can't bear to see it go down the toilet, you know it, it's Kathy Lee's bowel movement. It might be worth something. So I reach in and I grab it. RQ: You know Reg, I'm saving every one of those. HS: You know what, if I saved every one of my bowel movements we could auction them off on the show. Probably make a ton of dough. I wouldn't have to do all those stupid commercials. I mean for Gods sake. Can you imagine the balls on this, I've never heard a woman say you reach, I've never heard of anyone reaching into a toilet (water sound effect) for a bloody mess. And you don't even see like a head or, I mean you don't see anything. RQ: No, it's like an ink blot. HS: I cry when Frank, when Frank plays with himself and everything dries up and I realize that could have been a baby. (Laughter) I can't handle it. (Laughter) Who's she kidding? RQ: I hate to be so graphic. HS: Yeah, well no, evidently it's okay for you to be graphic. As long as I'm not graphic. RQ: But you don't do that, from your head. HS: Where do you do it from? RQ: From your heart. HS: From your heart? You reach into a toilet. RQ: Yeah. HS: (Unintelligible) Some blood. (Water sound effect) RQ: No one, no one knows what this feels like until they go through it. (Water sound effect) (Laughter) HS: She should be committed to the same institution Amy Fisher is at right now. They should lock her in Creedmore(?) Put her in a straight jacket nude so she can rock back and forth in her feces. RQ: Well, she'd like that. HS: Yeah. RQ: That's collector feces. HS: Yes. That's my feces. And I have to be with it because I, I reach into the toilet to get it. I reached into the toilet, and (water sound effect) I realized that was my baby. And I pulled out this clot, and I felt, it's not a clot, in fact we're celebrating the clot's first birthday next week. NOVEMBER 11, 1992 FV: I just want to say one thing to you, I think you're really educational. HS: You do. FV: I really do, first of all. RQ: What didn't you know before you started listening to the show. FV: Well, someone in my office was really glad you talked about anal fissure. HS: Really, I taught people, you know, I got one of the things. RQ: I needed to know, she learned about anal fissures. HS: You know I can't believe, one of the things the FCC cited me for was talking about my buttocks. And I said, you know, you watch all these medical shows, all I talked about is how to properly wipe, and I didn't do it in a joking fashion. RQ: No, you were serious because you had a problem. HS: You see, this is my problem with the whole Federal Communications Commission, if, if Donahue has a doctor sitting there and talking about stuff, well then that's okay, it's serious, but if Howard Stern talks about a problem that he had, and he cured without the help of a doctor, I cured it on my own pretty much, by eating properly and wiping properly, because wiping is the key to all of this. People who get caught up with the backside and get obsessed with keeping themselves clean back there like I once did, Robin. I'm liberated now, three wipes and that's it. RQ: You know you'd think you'd be busy enough to keep your mind off such things. HS: I know, but that's the problem, I was too busy to concentrate. When I would wipe, I would, I would be on the phone, I would be reading a magazine. RQ: What in the world? HS: That's right. And I wouldn't pay attention to what I was wiping. RQ: You should use baby wipes. That's what I heard was very good. HS: No, no, no, no. I don't use baby wipes. RQ: That's not necessary. HS: I could use a brown paper bag now and not get an anal fissure. RQ: Wow. HS: I'll tell you why, because when I wipe. FV: Uh, huh. HS: Now when I wipe, three wipes no matter what. FV: Wow. HS: I don't care what's going on back there, three wipes. That's it. And I'm done. And that's what cured me and, and, not forcing myself to go to the bathroom. FV: Yeah. HS: I. RQ: Why were you forcing? HS: I'm going to tell you what happened, Robin. And I don't care how many times the government fines me. I really don't care. I'm going to talk about this 'cause I think it's important. I, I'm one of these guys who as soon as they feel a little pressure back there, I'm sitting on the bowl, and. FV: You're going to make it happen. HS: I'm going to get everything out of me. FV: And you're not supposed to push either. HS: Ah, hah. FV: That's what my boyfriend always tells me. HS: Your boyfriend, yeah. Your not supposed. FV: Don't push. HS: Your boyfriend helps you? RQ: What is your boyfriend doing in there? HS: Yeah, what're you guys, giving birth? FV: Really. HS: (Unintelligible) I mean, what is this? RQ: Every dump is a (unintelligible). FV: We talk about it a lot. HS: Every dump is a birth. RQ: (Unintellibible) a delivery. HS: Oh my goodness. And I will tell you something, I learned the hard way, and I only go to the bathroom now Robin, when (unintelligible) it's, like it's an emergency, and I go once a day. I'm very regular that way. Once a day, two o'clock, three o'clock in the afternoon you know where I am. I'm going. And that's what I do. And let me tell you something, if, I am cured, I have no itch back there, I used to itch so bad that my underwear, I used to itch right through my underwear. FV: Oh God. HS: And scratch and it was embarrassing because my wife. RQ: When did you do that? 'Cause I never saw you doing it. HS: I used to scratch when, mostly when I got home. RQ: Yeah. HS: I would actually scratch with my underwear. Because I was too busy, you know, even, scratch. I don't know what I was doing. And we'd see like pock markets, pock marks in my underwear. FV: Oh God. HS: I'm telling you, I was this close to dragging my ass across the carpet. Like a dog. NOVEMBER 12, 1992 Announcer: Guys with hot rods and girls who love them. Coming, coming, coming, coming. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, everyday. Its the funny man, Howard Stern. Howard Stern and his Funny Show. (Unintelligible)-crushing, music ignoring, Funny Show. All talk, no taste. Right now. The (unintelligible) fart-blasting, bra-burning, smegma scraping, (unintelligible) funny man is coming. (Unintelligible) the fastest, the slickest is on his way, to a radio near you, and taking on the Greased penis, Morning Zoo weinie, and and those pecker heads, pecker heads, news programs, (unintelligible) Stern's gonna climb and crush the no-talent, fudge-packing big (?) boys and their dingleberry-suckin' sidekicks. Now the rudest, crudest, lewdest, most talked-about man in America is about to blow the doors off and leave those scivy-staining, butt picking, jerk stains in the dust. Stand back . . . you inbred goat humping, (unintelligible) morning (?) mistakes of genetic engineering . . . Its the Stern show and its here, here, here . . . HS: And I'm masturbating to get to sleep, I mean, and then I'm up. I already wasted . . . I fell asleep without masturbating which, that's how tired I was. Then when I woke up, my wife, you know, my wife of course, the phone rang somewhere, and she was supposed to unplug the phone. RQ: Well, you not taking care of your own sleeping problem. HS: We have a routine, a routine, damn it. RQ: Yeah, well, this is what happens when you don't take care of yourself. HS: Aw, shush. So anyway, I, uh. I'm going to run around the house all night and take care of the phones? RQ: Wake up then. HS: You got a point. So, I um, after I wake up, I get something to eat and I decide to read People magazine. To relax me. I'm readin' about Tipper Gore and Hillary Clinton, which was unbelievable. Did you read that article? RQ: Yeah. HS: "AIDS baby, come here." You know, the big no-nothing, Barbara Bush. Can't even speak up to her husband about abortion. Anyway, so I'm reading the People magazine, then I get upset by that, so I lay down, and I figure well, I gotta masturbate because I been up now, its 10:30. RQ: You really have to take desperate measures. HS: Yeah. So who'd I think about? I thought about Jessica Hahn cause I was thinking about those Playboy pictures, you know? RQ: Uh huh. I didn't even see the Playboy, you, you were hoarding it. HS: So I'm like, um yeah, she's got herself into really good shape (laughter). All, I think, all I have to do is think about one part on a woman RQ: Oh, geez. HS: and I can finish off. RQ: What part is that? HS: I was thinking about her belly. Isn't that funny? Her belly and belly button. RQ: Yeah? HS: Isn't that weird? RQ: Her stinky belly button. HS: Her stinky belly button, and then I was done with that and I'm still laying there, I couldn't believe it. I couldn't fall back to sleep because I had already been to sleep already, so it doesn't even matter what I do to myself. RQ: Oh dear. HS: Because once I'm up, I'm up. I mean its a whole ritual. RQ: And there's no way you could do that again. HS: No. RQ: Just to HS: Oh my God. RQ: tire yourself out. HS: No, no, no, once is enough. When you do it every night, once is enough. I always think I'm gonna get like a hernia or something when I'm doin' it 'cause I do it too much. RQ: Oh. You're afraid. HS: I always think something bad's gonna happen to me. RQ: Like what? HS: Like one of my, one of my, part of my maleness is going to float up into my throat or something, cause it starts to get painful, right? JM: You know what's wierd is, is doing it, it feels fine, but when you do it a second time HS: No, that's bad. JM: It feels dirty. HS: That's real dirty. I never do it a second time. So, anyway. RQ: You're all sick. HS: Yeah well, so what? I gotta break for a spot, but, so I did that and when I finally fell asleep I don't know what time it was, then my wife comes up for her bath, wakes me up, and I'm flipping, I'm flipping out, and I'm screaming "Allison, Allison." Meanwhile, she has the bathroom door closed, she can't hear me and I'm going, I can't get in touch with this woman. Then, I get out of the bed, check on my underpants to make sure they weren't too messed up so my wife wouldn't yell at me -- like a 3 year old. RQ: What does she yell at you about? HS: Well, you know, I didn't want her to, see anything. You know, I'm embarrassed. RQ: But she would yell? You've never done that. HS: Yeah, she would yell, she would be, like "what are you doing, what are you doing, why aren't you calling me?" and its like, you know, "why don't you, don't you need me to do that?" and its like, no, I don't quite frankly. I do it alot better. Alright, so anyway. Right? You know what I mean? Who needs anybody with you? RQ: Oh, jeez. HS: Jackie does. He's going through the same routine. He was doing the same drill at about 10:30 at night. JM: When you get to that point its a solo. HS: Right. Its a solo act and it has to be done quickly, and you know what? Its fun to think about other people. So then . . . RQ: Well, I'm sure that comforts your wife. HS: Last night I was thinking about Judge Sarwack(?) "Oh, I'm so sick -- I need help." So anyway, I um, so then, I start screaming in the bathtub, you know, at her. NOVEMBER 13, 1992 HS: On Oprah? RQ: Yes. HS: And he was like, "Oh, when I act, I, uh, you know, I can't start right away. Uh, Jodie Foster, she can start right away. Uh, I need to, uh." You should hear this guy. RQ: Yeah, I like the one, you know, Oprah says, "when you go on that set and they turn on those cameras," HS: Yeah. RQ: "You are in that character." HS: Yeah, meanwhile, um, Richard Gere is so self centered he's trying to tell Oprah what actors do, meanwhile, Oprah won an Academy award nomination. RQ: Yeah. HS: Ya know uh but. . RQ: Has Richard? No. HS: No. Richard hasn't won anything. With that small penis of his. RQ: Laughs. HS: Did you see that thing in that movie? RQ: Yeah, "Breathless" HS: You can't even find it. RQ: I don't know why anybody was breathless. HS: Cindy Crawford ain't breathless, I'll tell you that. I thought mine was tiny. It's a mushroom. MV: Oh, shit. HS: Hey, Richard you got a mushroom in your pants. (Laughter) Where's your genitals? Is that it? Where's the beef? RQ: That was one of the most disappointing movies because you know you heard Richard Gere was gonna be naked -- frontal nudity -- you went rushing out. HS: And you're expecting a Lincoln log, you know? RQ: Oh yeah. At least. Something respectable. NOVEMBER 16, 1992 HS: He said he finished watching Butt Bongo Fiesta, his favorite part was, take a guess. RQ: Let me see, Neil, oh let me see, would it be jungleman? Would it be the lesbians or would it be Butt Bongo Fiesta? I'm going to say Butt Bongo Fiesta. HS: Tribute to Vagina. RQ: You're kidding. HS: Goes, I rewound it three times, he says, that was a classic. Tribute To Vagina, that's his favorite. He couldn't believe what was going on inside the tribute. And you know, RQ: Yeah. HS: Because, you see, the tribute has so many different elements. RQ: Aspects to it. HS: We span the world, we span the globe of vagina. RQ: Every kind of vagina fact, we interview people about their vaginas, we go into a vagina. HS: Yep, everything. He goes, was that a real vagina that you guys were floating around in? I go, it absolutely was. He goes, you gotta tell me where you got that thing. I said one of the technicians gave it to us, his wife had an operation and he allowed us to have the tape. We were in a vagina. The FAX's are coming in, I just want to let you know the Butt Bongo Fiesta is absolutely, positively the best thing you've ever done, it was waiting for me on the door step when I got home last night, I couldn't stop laughing, I can't even tell you what the funniest thing on the tape was because everything was hysterical. NOVEMBER 18, 1992 HS: So, Penn sees these 4, I mean these 10 rubbers on Jackie's fingers so he pulls down his pants and he spreads his cheeks and he goes "hey, as long as you got those on, how about giving me a rectal examination?" JM: He came very close to gettin' one too. HS: Why didn't you? RQ: He doesn't know you. JM: Ya know. HS: We explained to him, you don't know Jackie. RQ: He didn't have his fingers bare, you know, usually Jackie goes in uncovered. HS: Jackie, why didn't you go in? JM: Yeah. 'Cause it's just not the same feeling with these things on. HS: 'Cause Jackie, Jackie's the kinda guy. JM: I poked him, but I poked him in the cheek. HS: When we have a Super Bowl party. MC: Uh, huh. HS: And, uh, one year, one guy mooned. MC: Right. HS: He had "Giants Suck" written on his ass. We had about 20 guys over at my friend Neil's house, and we're all sitting around and everyone's getting drunk, and we're watching the Super Bowl, and right at the beginning of the Super Bowl Jackie's loaded, he's sitting there eating ribs. RQ: Wings or ribs or something. HS: Wings and ribs and slaw, and he's eating it, right? RQ: Uh huh. HS: So Tony O bends over so everyone can see his "Giants Suck," he pulls down his pants. JM: He was being wild. HS: He was being wild, and this is a guy that doesn't get wild often. I mean this is his one big moment 'cause he'd written "Giants Suck" on his ass. He moons us. We all look and everything and everyone's ignoring him. Jackie just innocently, he's sitting on the floor eating, with his dirty, greasy fingers. RQ: And he's eating finger food now, remember that. HS: He's eating finger foods okay, wings and ribs. JM: I was all lubed. HS: He was lubed up. He jams his finger into Tony O. Tony O felt like a woman raped. Tony O goes, "how, how." He stayed maybe ten minutes and left. RQ: Yeah, he had to leave, he was embarrassed. JM: He never said another word. HS: And Jackie, and Jackie didn't miss a bite after he, after, after he gave a rectal exam to Tony O. RQ: He went right back to eating. HS: Right Fred. Right back to his ribs and wings. MV: The un, the unbelievable part was he used that hand. HS: That's right. MV: He didn't wash. HS: Right. JM: The highlight of the whole thing is there was somebody there with a camera which is why I did it, so we'd have an actual picture of him mooning. HS: Uh huh. JM: And my finger. HS: Yeah, we have the picture, we have the proof. JM: very buried. MV: Maybe, you think Tony HS: What? MV: You think maybe Tony gave him that disease 'cause it started with that finger. JM: I'll sue that sucker. HS: Sue him. HS: You got, you have 20 nail syndrome from Tony O's buttocks. MV: Maybe he had finger nail syphilis or something. JM: Maybe its one butt syndrome. HS: One butt syndrome. Why don't you tell the doctor you had your finger up some guy? HS: You know when I went to college, they, uh, they hired Christine Jorganson to come speak. Remember her? RQ: Oh my god, yes. HS: He was the first guy to get a sex change operation. RQ: Yeah. HS: And it was like watching an old man with a wig on talk about his life. And every homosexual on the campus came out because that was their hero. RQ: Right. HS: At the time. RQ: But I don't know why, but . . . HS: Because he had his penis cut off. RQ: But every homosexual doesn't want to have their penis cut off. HS: So, I'm just sittin' there, thinking' like maybe this guy'll show us something, like pull down his pants. I want to see. RQ: You thought there would be a side show. HS: Let's see if that thing is a scab or a real vagina. Let's see if there's a womb there or a vagina. RQ: That person was married a couple of times. HS: Oh yeah. RQ: (Laughs) HS: To guys who I guess don't mind a scab RQ: Oh. HS: for, uh, genitals. RQ: (Laughs) HS: So, everybody was, and all the gays are applauding. I couldn't believe it. RQ: Oh yes (clapping). HS: Oh, oh, and everything. RQ: "We love you, Christine, we love you." HS: "We love you. We love you." HS: I, I was in the balcony. I think to see the vagina was an extra fifty cents, you had to go behind a tent somewhere. RQ: Wait a minute. Somebody said to me, you know, we had such fun with Mark last year. HS: Yeah. RQ: And he raised a lot of money. HS: Right. RQ: From us for Hunger-thon. HS: Right. RQ: Because he did some wacky things. He shaved off his mustache. HS: He showed me his penis. RQ: Showed you his penis. HS: Mark had nuts, he's so desperate to (unintelligible) hungry. He's like the Harry Chapin of the hungry. He's a new Harry Chapin. RQ: Mark raised a lot of money last year. HS: Mark goes "please, um." I go, "Mark, will you show me your penis?" And you know people in the company really thought ill of him for showing me his penis. MV: Right. HS: And, but he didn't care. He was like, show, "OK, I'll show you my penis." He got caught up in the whole hunger-thon fever. RQ: He wanted the money. MV: Well it was worth about $ 3500. HS: Yeah, and actually MV: I could, I couldn't deny world hunger (unintelligible) the money. HS: So he took me in the men's room and showed me his penis. M2: You have to admit you felt pretty dirty once it was done. HS: Yeah, it was really sick. The reality of going into the men's room and looking, and Mark goes, "you really want me to show you?" And I go "yeah, I guess you better. I mean I got to comment on it." And then, like a doctor, and like, he opened up his pants and showed it to me. It had to be the most humiliating experience for both of us. MV: It was pretty humiliating. HS: Come on, it was really embarrassing. MV: It was. I agree with you. HS: Two of us standing there in the men's room. And Gary was in there, but he had to turn his back. MV: I know, but I saw it in the mirror. HS: Oh. HS: There was nothing wrong with you showing me your penis last year. You felt that you should do it. You wanted to raise some money for a cause. You wanted to be a little bit wild and let loose . . . and if we tell you to wear lader hosen you will wear lader hosen. MV: No I won't. HS: You won't because you're excited about Tom because of his reaction to your penis. MV: I won't do it for me. RQ: Yeah. We can't have any more fun, huh? MV: I didn't say you could not have fun. I just won't, I just won't do that. NOVEMBER 20, 1992 HS: Tell you a story. I wanted to call "Butt Bongo Fiesta," "Butt Bongo Fiesta featuring a Tribute to Vagina," and at the last minute I changed it to "Butt Bongo Fiesta." RQ: Actually, the original name was "Tribute to Vagina." HS: Exact, uh, no, the original tape, uh, tape name was " Howard Stern's Douche and Enema Tape." RQ: Oh, stop it. HS: Remember that? RQ: (Laughs) MV: (Laughs) HS: And then, and then when everyone agreed, I said, "you're all fired." RQ: (Laughs) HS: "Because there's no way I'll be able to go anywhere and promote this thing." RQ: Yeah, it was pretty funny that people were going for that. MV: Worked for me. HS: What? MV: It worked for me. HS: I know, I couldn't believe that even Dan agreed. RQ: There's something there. HS: We decided in our first meeting with Dan and (unintelligible) and all those guys, we said, you know, we'll go in, we'll get a tape recorder and I'll tell everyone I want to make a douche and enema tape and then it'll really be funny as they try and argue with me. So I go in, we get the tape recorder rolling, they're hitting the tape recorder, and I go, "okay, guys, what I'm thinking about is ' Howard Stern's Douche and Enema Tape.'" Well, the joke was on me because everyone went, "okay, that sounds funny." I go, "no, no, no, you don't understand, everything will have a douche and enema theme." "Yeah, okay, it's video. Sure, why not?" What? Then I started thinking you guys are were goofing on me and (unintelligible). RQ: (Laughs). It would have been good, but they just went for it. HS: And then I realized my staff's totally out of control. Cause these two guys are agreeing with me. They're supposed to be like the voice of restraint. HS: Jessica Hahn in a tribute to vagina? MV: Yes, I did. HS: Why? That outfit, huh? MV: Oh, that was a great outfit. That was worth the money just right there. RQ: The money (slurring). HS: Could you say vagina again? MV: Vagina. HS: Oh, alright. RQ: There you go. HS: There you go. RQ: It's just when he's ending a sentence with that word. HS: Right. RQ: it becomes vagi. HS: How'd you like when Robin and I actually traveled through the vagina? MV: (Laughs). That was wild. Was that actually a vagina? HS: Yes. RQ: Yes. HS: Yes it is. HS: A lot of people ask me that question; that's not an unusual question. I know you think this guy's dopey. But he's not being that dopey. HS: That's actually Robin's vagina. RQ: No, it is not. MV: (Laughs). RQ: That is not my vagina. HS: That isn't your vagina? RQ: No. How could it be in my vagina? HS: It actually is the vagina of one of the technicians on the tape who, who said, "hey, if your're going to use tape there on the blue screen, my wife just had a vagina operation and they taped it. So I said fine, let's use it. RQ: Did she ge a credit? HS: Yeah. Well she didn't get a credit, but she, she had to sign a release. RQ: Kathy's vagina. HS: Or, he had to, somebody did. RQ: Or, Vagina by Kathy. HS: I feel close to her I know that. RQ: You've been inside her. HS: That's right. So that's all you have to say about the tape? DECE,BER 3, 1992 RQ: Making sperm can decrease your life span. HS: Oh, you're kidding? I'm going to be dead next week. RQ: (Laughs). HS: You know, I'll tell you something. I, uh, I, I don't mind saying that I produce a lot of sperm in order to get to sleep early at night. I need to do that. I've made no secret about it. And, um. RQ: Does sperm production have to do with doing that? HS: Yes, because the more you do it the more you have to produce. Because I'm losing sperm at a rate of five, six quarts, or seven quarts a day. RQ: (Laughs). Stop it. HS: Honest to God. I swear, I am really, there are nights that I, I know I have nothing, uh, in me. RQ: (Laughs). Well, that's what I saying, you don't have any, you're empty. HS: No, I'm six quarts low. HS: I manufacture, so I manufacture sperm until I black out almost, really, that's what happens to me. I manufacture. RQ: You over produce. HS: You know I never thought of it as manufacturing, but as long as you bring it up, I'm a factory. And I manufacture every night. RQ: Maybe you ought to take a break. Maybe you ought to close down production for awhile. HS: I did on the weekend. RQ: Did you. HS: This past weekend, my back was hurting and stuff, and uh, last night. Matter of fact, last night I did not, as a matter of fact, look. RQ: Oh, it's an announcement he's got to make. HS: I still have the tissue I didn't use. There it is. RQ: Oh, I was going to say why is he standing up. I thought he was going to make some big announcement. HS: It's clean. RQ: You're sick. HS: Yeah, oh yeah. RQ: You go to bed with tissue in your pocket? HS: Well, no, but just in case. You never know. RQ: I'm just disgusted. I have to leave now. HS: You got to be prepared, in case some romance happens. RQ: I think I'm going to throw up. HS: Romance happens. RQ: I think I'm going to throw up, Howard. You finally did it to me. HS: Oh, don't throw up Robin. RQ: You've actually got the tissue in your pocket? HS: Of course, I was ready. HS: I just feel I've lost a lifetime in my sheets. RQ: Yeah, you better go retrieve it. Go and do the laundry. HS: I really do. I really feel like that's my life up there. RQ: There. Well, you know there've been warnings about this for centuries, and you did not heed them. HS: I'm going to suck on my sheets. I got to get my life force back. RQ: Oh, goodness. HS: Oh, I miss my sheets. JANUARY 13, 1993 RQ: Woody Allen was in court yesterday, they had another hearing, for some reason or another he's in a continuing custody battle with Mia Farrow over three of their children, one natural child and two adopted children. And Mia weighed in yesterday with more allegations of wrongdoing by Woody. One of which was that Dylan and Moses, I think, or Dylan and Satchel, one of those combinations had seen Woody and Sun Yi HS: Yes. RQ: making love. In fact, Dylan said that she saw daddy putting his penis in Sun Yi. HS: Whoa. RQ: While she and Satchel were visiting at Allen's Manhattan apartment. HS: Wow. RW: Dylan also accused him of abuse. She claims that he tried to put her face into a hot bowl of spaghetti. HS: I love that. RQ: And he also allegedly threatened to break Satchel's legs. HS: Oh, come on, I can't believe any of this, Woody. Is this true? Tell me about your relationship with the Chinese woman, Sun Yi. Tell me, tell us once and for all, give, give us the definitive statement, Woody, and tell us what you think about all this. Go ahead, Woody Allen. By the way, good to have you here. WA: I give, I give Sun Yi an allowance that would make other gooks drop their fortune cookies. HS: Woody, let me just say how unfortunate it is what you're going through, and how do you feel? Are you, are you feeling any better? I know the last time we spoke you were real upset. WA: I feel great, I have been humping Sun Yi quite regularly. HS: I see, well, that always makes a guy feel good. RQ: Oh dear. HS: Now, um. RQ: It seems to be easier for Woody to talk to the press now. You know, he used to be so shy. HS: Now I notice, Woody, yeah, now he's opening up a little. RQ: Yeah. HS: Woody, I notice that today you're not wearing your trademark Woody Allen glasses. Now, now why is that? WA: With my glasses off I can pretend, that Dylan is even younger. RQ: (Laughs) HS: With your glasses off you can pretend that Dylan is younger? I see. Tell me about some of the things that you've learned from this experience, if you would, Mr. Allen. I, I would appreciate to know what you're learned. WA: I'm amazed at the sexual favors I can get in trade for a Hershey bar. RQ: (Laughs) HS: You know, he's so soft spoken. RQ: Oh my goodness. Oh. HS: Tell me some of the things that, now that you're not working on a movie presently, tell me some of the things that you are doing during your day. What does Woody Allen do during the day? WA: I like to go to Dylan's Brownie meetings with no underwear on. HS: You go to Brownie meetings with no underwear on? Let me ask you something, let, let's turn to another topic. New Year's Eve you obviously, must have spent a quiet evening alone. Is that true? Yes, I see and what, did you make a New Year's resolution? That's something I would like, aren't you curious, Robin, if he made any. RQ: Yeah, what is his New Year's resolution? HS: What is your New Year's resolution? WA: My New Year, my New Year's resolution is to photograph a topless eight year old in a calico skirt. RQ: Oh. HS: And, um. RQ: I guess he's done everything else. HS: (Laughs) Be honest Woody, seriously Woody, what do you do all day? What, what, like what is, like what did you do around Christmas time? RQ: Well, yeah, the kids weren't there. HS: Right. What did you do at Christmas, Woody? Seriously. He doesn't want to answer. He's very upset (unintelligible). RQ: He's asking his lawyer if he should answer the question. HS: Woody has walked into the lawyer and, come on, seriously, Woody, he's asking Martling whether or not he should answer the question. Now seriously, what did you do around Christmas? Be honest Woody. WA: I love to sit, I love to sit in the dark with, at my. HS: All right Woody, RQ: It's kinda hard HS: It's very hard for him to say. Leave Woody alone. No, but seriously, Woody why are you so upset? Are you lonely? Is that the problem? Are you a lonely man? WA: I'm lonely, I haven't got a dry pair of underwear. RQ: Oh, geez. HS: And this Sun Yi, why does, it's an amazing thing what's going on. Here you are an older man and yet you're with a younger woman. Isn't it amazing. RQ: Fifty four right? HS: Right. WA: Somehow Sun Yi enjoys my old Jewish penis. HS: But this Sun Yi is so much younger than, and why is it that all of a sudden you're out of love with this Mia Farrow? You were with Mia Farrow for so long, Woody. Why, why all of sudden are you no longer in love with her? WA: Mia has such small boobs I have to stare at the children's. RQ: Oh, geez. HS: You know Woody I do want to thank you, you are the only, we are the the only radio station that I know of. RQ: Yeah, we've never had Mia on the show. HS: No, Mia never comes on, although I wish she would. I wish she would respond to some of these things but you've been open and honest in this forum of ours. RQ: Yes. HS: And I want you to, to know that you are welcome here anytime on this radio program, Mister Woody Allen. WA: I enjoy the forum, this program gives me girls under twelve. Please call 212-955-9292 and ask for Uncle Woody. HS: (Laughter) So, Robin I don't know about you but I find this unbelievable. You have any questions? RQ: Well I think it's ridiculous that he's making requests for twelve year old's to call. You can't do that on the radio, Woody. HS: Yeah, it's really true, Woody, what do you have to say to that? WA: Once you go oriental, you never go back. RQ: (Laughter) So are you going to marry Sun Yi? That's what I've been reading, some of the tabloids have been saying you've got a big surprise in store. HS: Yeah, what about that? What is the big surprise? WA: What, what a party it was to dump that boat(?) Mia and bed down her kid. RQ: (Laughs) Well don't you think that was rather malicious Woody? HS: Yeah, really. that, tell me something, what, what goes on in that Mia Farrow household? She has so many children I'm dying to know. RQ: Do you have any accusations about her? HS: Right. And more importantly what do you do there all day? What do you do at Mia Farrow's house all day? WA: I kiss Dylan on her fanny while she reads the Weekly Reader. RQ: Oh. (Laughs). MV: Jesus. RQ: Ever hear of Nintendo? (Laughter) HS: Well Woody, I got to tell you something, your relationship with this Sun Yi is unbelievable and. RQ: Certainly you never made love though, with her in front of the other kids? HS: Yeah, what do you do with that Sun Yi? WA: I like to lick Sue Yi like an Elvis stamp. RQ: (Laughs) HS: Woody, come on, say something of substance. Say something about the whole case and how you're feeling, go ahead. I'll give you an open microphone, say whatever you want. WA: I've ruined so many pairs of underwear while watching Sesame Street. RQ: Oh no. So I guess we can't expect you to be dating any women your age. HS: Right. Is that true? Will you be dating any women of your age? Woody, are you still with us? WA: Mia and Dylan have the same build? RQ: (Laughs) HS: Mia and Dyaln have the same build? RQ: (Laughs) So I guess it really doesn't matter. HS: What about the allega. . . . Let's get back to the serious stuff. RQ: Yeah. HS: Woody, a allegation has been made about you that you forced Dylan's head into the spaghetti. Is that true that you did that? WA: I put Dylan's face in hot spaghetti as a sex exercise. RQ: So I guess it's true. (Laughter) You're admitting to that. What kind of sex exercise is that though? HS: Now, what about the idea that you broke the legs. RQ: Or you threatened to break his leg. HS: You threatened to break the legs of your son, Satchel. RQ: Satchel, yeah. HS: Now I can't believe that. What about that? WA: I can't wait to have children with Sun Yi. I've never broken the legs of a new born. RQ: (Laughs) HS: I see. And Sun Yi wants to have children with you and have a life with you, has this been discussed, this Oriental girl? WA: I love to eat Chow Mein off of Sun Yi's bare ass. RQ: Well, you know, they say she's a young naive girl, she had never had a boy friend before. Don't you think this is taking advantage? HS: Yeah, really. Hey Woody, Robin brings up a good point, you are taking advantage of the situation. What is your big news, are you going to marry Sun Yi? Is that the big news? Is that the big news you have for us today? Are you going to marry Sun Yi? WA: Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free. RQ: (Laughs) My goodness Woody, that's an old saw that really doesn't cut it any more. HS: Well, I think you ought to stay away from Dylan and you ought to stay away from Sun Yi. RQ: No, he says he wants custody, Howard. HS: You want custody? How dare you. What about your relationship with the young child, Dylan? What about all this? WA: I taught Dylan to put a condom on with one hand. RQ: Oh boy. HS: Wow. This is unbelievable. RQ: Well, if you're saying all this stuff, how can you then say Mia is coaching the little girl on the video tape. HS: Well, you know Woody is a comedian, I think he's making jokes here. I hope he is. RQ: Oh you think so, huh? HS: Oh yeah. I mean I can't imagine that he's serious. RQ: Well, let's hope they don't subpoena this tape. HS: I know. If they subpoena you, you're in big trouble. Uh, I hope what you're saying is a joke. I certainly do, Woody. I really do. WA: I like to play nude twister with five year old's. Is that so wrong? HS: Alright. You know Woody, I got to say goodbye to you if you really, serious, make a serious comment about this whole, this whole situation. WA: Dylan is the right height to wash my genitals in the shower. RQ: Oh, Oh Woody. That's it, that's it. HS: Oh boy. RQ: That's the lowest, that the worst thing you've ever said. HS: You've really, now come on. RQ: That's no joke. HS: Well obviously he's poking fun at the whole society. RQ: Saying this is absolutely ridiculous that anybody thinks that he would do such a thing. HS: Absolutely, I think you're right Robin when you say, ask a question, you're a news woman, you ask a serious question. HS: Howard Stern RQ: Robin Quivers JM: Jackie Martling MV: Male Voice M2: Second Male Voice FV: Female Voice F2: Second Female Voice FC: Female Caller WA: Woody Allen (impersonation) [end excerpt]